Are You a People Pleaser?
Often, we say yes to others whenever they ask us to do something, but deep down we feel resentful even though it was our decision in the first place.
What we really resent is the fact that every time we are asked to do something, we feel faced with the decision to do what would make us happy and be a bad and unlovable person or to do something we don’t want to do and remain a good and lovable person.
Because we want to be loved, we are likely to develop the habit of never saying no.
People-pleasing is a shadow mechanism that is trying to gain approval and the love of other people. We are doing it because we believe that we don’t have value unless we do something for others.
You may feel that the more you do what other people want you to do, the more you could feel worthy.
Realize that that’s a barrier, keeping other people from knowing the real you, which is probably a way cooler than a people-pleasing version of you.
You just don’t know it yet because you haven’t been able yet to express that part of you.
People-pleasing is usually a side effect of parent pleasing.
If growing up you’re having critical parents or you had to do something to deserve their love, you may find that same pattern is occurring in different relationships you gained throughout your life.
Who did you have to be to receive your parents’ love?
Did you have to be perfect? Or did you have to be quiet and obedient?
Did you get told that kids are meant to be seen and not heard?
Most of us were conditioned in some ways. We were rewarded for desirable behavior and punished for undesirable behavior.
For some of us, there were big consequences when the people in our early life disapproved of us. Our boundaries were violated and we were hurt by incoming boundary violations such as spanking or insults or shaming or we were hurt by outgoing boundary violations like time outs and parental withdrawal.
The people who have the biggest issue with people-pleasing were most often damaged by outgoing boundary violations as children. They were punished in ways that felt like abandonment.
If you were rewarded for doing something, you will assume later in life that that’s what you must also do in order to receive love.
The message we learn through this is that we didn’t deserve love if we were not pleasing our parents and everyone else for that matter.
People Pleasers Want Approval and Love
A people pleaser is saying yes to things they don’t want to do, assuming that exchange for this is love and approval.
They don’t understand that approval and love are already inside of them.
All you have to do is to give yourself permission to feel love. You don’t need any reason to feel it. You don’t need to do anything to be loved. You have value for just being you. You are worthy already.
You’re afraid that people won’t love you if you express how you really feel or you do what you really want, but your people-pleasing will actually keep people from knowing who you really are.
If people don’t love you unless you do things for them, that’s conditional love.
Time to Get Your Power Back
You must become aware that you have an ability to say yes and you also have an ability to say no.
When you say no to being a people pleaser, you are saying yes to yourself.
Set up your boundaries and stop people-pleasing because you don’t need to make other people happy in order to be happy.
It is not your responsibility to make someone else happy. People who base their relationship with you of how much you do for them are not people who love you anyway. They are using you as a substitute for making themselves happy.
The best part of letting go of the need for people-pleasing is that you will start to feel much better and will also like yourself more. You will also give a chance to others to actually know and love the real you.